Beacon of Hope

The Storm After the Calm

Those of us fortunate enough to have partners who are successfully mananging their illnesses sometimes experience an unexpected reaction. When our loved ones start feeling better, we start feeling worse or continue reacting to them as if they were still sick. What Happens To Us After The Storm After three years of depression and a second hospitalization, my husband came out of his depression and his moods became more stablized. As he started to feel better, I started to experience depression. It seemed strange to me to be feeling this way because everything in our lives seemed to be going much better. Why was I feeling so depressed? I shouldn't be feeling this way. Other well spouses get so used to setting up defense mechanisms to deal with the anger, outburts, and accusations of their ill partners, that they continue using these defenses after they are no longer needed. Some of us get so used to being in control, that we don't want or know how to give it up when our spouse is in recovery. Why Do We Act This Way? Here are some explanations that I have gleaned from my own experience and from liturature on traumatic stress and codependence. I remember my doctor asking me "How would you expect to feel?". It is common to feel anxious, on edge, guilty or depressed after an experience as traumatic as a mental illness crisis. We may also experience an inability to concentrate. We may be confused. We sometimes blame ourselves. These are all common reactions to traumatic stress. We hold ourselves and our partners together for so long that we put our own needs and emotions on hold. When our partner starts to feel better, it seems safer for us to begin to let out some of the feelings we have been supressing. Habit. We have reacted to our partners in the same way for so long that we never stop to ask ourselves "Is what I am doing working?" What Do I Do About It? Acceptance. Don't beat yourself up or tell yourself you "shouldn't" feel a certain way. Denying how you feel will not make the feelings go away. Feelings are often an indicator that there is a problem. Once you accept the way you feel, you can do something to deal with the underlying problem. Get Help. If you are suffering from depression, get help. If you feel like talking to someone, call a friend, talk to your clergy person, or join a support group. Keep connected to others who are able to offer encouragement and support. Let Go. Only you know your situation and the degree to which you can release control and begin to share day to day responsibilities with your spouse. In other situations, we just need to stop trying to force our lives to meet our expectations. Many times we just "think" we have control, when we really don't. It takes time to get our balance back after a trauma. Be kind and forgiving of yourself and your recovering spouse. With help, you can find relief and regain your balance.

Beacon of Hope