After my husband's first
hospitalization, he went into a depression that lasted three years. During this time, I took
on the responsibility for just about everything in both our lives. Not only did I take on
the jobs that normally belonged to my husband, I took it upon myself to monitor and regulate
my husband's moods on a daily basis. I continually asked him what he was thinking and
how he was feeling in an effort to bring him out of his depression. I also tried to protect him
from anything I thought would throw his moods off balance. Nothing worked. So I just
tried harder using the same old methods that had failed before. I attempted to fix and control both our
lives. Even when my husband started to do better, I unconsciously tried to maintain my control.Results of Controlling
This behavior left me
feeling frustrated and angry when the "help" I was offering my husband didn't work. He wasn't getting
better, I had failed. My frequent
probing and advice-giving left my husband with the message that he was not capable of doing things
on his own. It also created a great deal of conflict in our relationship.Help To Stop Controlling
With help, I began to gradually back off
from my controlling behavior. My husband's confidence and willingness to take on responsibility increased, and our conflict
decreased. Here are some of insights that
helped me, I hope they help you too. - You cannot control your partner's mood or ability to function, so don't try. It only leads to frustration and disappointment.
- You can be available, listen, and let your partner know that you care.
- You cannot control the feelings that you experience - the anger, frustation, disappointment, and sadness. Trying to deny or ignore your feelings will not make them go away.
- You can accept your feelings and make choices about how you will repond to them. Sometimes stepping back and observing
your feelings as if you were a separate person may help you accept and deal with them. Journalling helps me identify what I am feeling.
- You cannot force your partner to meet unrealistic expectations.
- You can allow and encourage your partner to do what they are capable of doing for themselves.
- You cannot protect your loved one from everything you think might distress them.
- You can choose an opportune time to talk honestly and lovingly with your partner about your concerns. Here are some
communication tips:
-- Try to understand your partner's point of view without becoming derogatory or defensive.
-- Use "I feel..." statments rather than "You..." statements to keep communication flowing.
-- Release your urge to be right. Realize that your perceptions and beliefs may be different from your partner's understanding.
-- Don't jump to conclusions. Instead ask for clarification.