Beacon of Hope

  Should We Have Children?
  Struggling With A Decision
The decision about whether or not to have children has been one of the most difficult decisions my husband and I have faced. For a long time we avoided this decision. We were waiting and hoping that our lives would settle down and we would be more ready. We finally came to the conclusion that having children was not going to happen for us. After years of struggle and waiting for the emotional chaos and pain to subside, we felt it was too late to start having a family. Did we make the right decision? I don't know.

Weighing the Pro's and Con's
I haven't seen any articles or discussion of the process that spouses go through when trying to make this very difficult decision. What I offer here are my own thoughts and feelings as I considered this decision:
  • Can We Make It Work?
    I asked myself if I had the energy, stamina, and drive to be able to cope with my husband's illness AND raise a child at the same time. I considered how close I was to my own "stress ceiling" now, and what I felt additional stress would to to me and my husband. Did I have enough faith in myself, my husband, and God to believe that things would work out ok?

  • Will Our Child's Welfare Suffer?
    Would we be able to provide the emotional support and time our child would need? Would the instability resulting from this mental illness have a profound negative impact on our child?

  • Should We Risk Passing This Illness On?
    I was aware that mental illness runs in families. Did I want expose my child to the risk of having this disorder? Did I want to expose myself to the possibility of having to cope with two loved ones with this illness?

  • What Outside Support Will I Have?
    Did I have someone I could ask to step in to help with our child in times of crisis or exhaustion. Would my husband be willing or able to help? Did I have enough of a support network to meet my needs.

  • What About The Future?
    Would I end up feeling resentful that this illness had stolen my dream of a family? Would I have deep regrets in the future over this decision? Would my husband harbor ill feelings towards me over the fact that he was more willing to risk having a family than I was?

  • Do I Want To Have Children?
    This is the question my doctor often asked me and said was one of the most important considerations, if not THE most important.
Some Final Thoughts
I can't say I feel good about the decision not to have children or that I ever will. It still hurts sometimes when I see family and friends celebrating their child's graduation, wedding, or the birth of grandchildren. I have seen how much our support has meant to our parents during difficult times. I sometimes wonder who will be there for us.

However I have learned the importance of the relationships with family and friends I have now. I can still have a fulfilling future, just not the one I had planned. I have learned to trust myself and my husband a little more, and to trust God a lot more. I have learned to let go of the future and the control I thought I had and place it in the only safe place I know, and that is with God. Some of the things I have gained through this, I would not trade for anything, and I'm not sure I could have learned them any other way.

Additional Resources
Here are some links to articles and programs that talk about the impact of mental illness on children.
 
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