Beacon of Hope

Should I Leave?

The stress is almost unbearable. You don't know how much longer you can continue living with your partner's illness. You imagine what it would be like to have peace instead of chaos, "normalcy" instead of crisis, and a life instead of just trying to survive. The question "Should I leave?" keeps popping up in your mind. Whether to stay or leave is a heart wrenching decision that you may wish you didn't have to make. Red Flags There are some behaviors that may make it difficult or impossible for you to stay. These questions may give you some guidelines about situations where leaving may be your only course of action. Is my partner violent or abusive? Is my partner abusing drugs or alcohol to cope with his/her illness? Is my child's welfare in serious jeopardy? Is my partner in such complete denial that he/she refuses to take medication or comply with his/her recommended treatment plan? Is my family life so disrupted that we do not have any kind of a normal life or activities? There still may be some things you can try to help your partner to cope (see Helping Your Spouse), but if nothing you do works, you may have no choice but to leave. Tough Times You may not see any of these red flags in your relationship, but you are still wondering if you will survive your partner's illness. Here are some suggestions to help you cope during difficult times: Consult a good therapist or your clergy person to get some help and support for yourself. Don't wait, do it now. Join a local support group for families of those with mental illness (Try NAMI). Sign up for respite care for your partner if it is available in your area. Ask for help from family and friends. Connect with others in similar circumstance through on-line forums or chat groups. Read up as much as you can on coping skills for dealing with mental illness. I'm Considering A Relationship You may not be in a committed relationship yet, but you are considering a deeper relationship with someone who has a major mental illness. Before you make a more permanent commitment: Learn as much as you can about the illness. Talk to others who are married to someone with a major mental illness. Attend a local support group for families. Understand that mental illness is a biological brain disorder. You cannot change your partner so that he/she no longer has this illness. Being married to someone with a mental illness is often very difficult. Some people have good relationships with their ill spouses and find strength and growth through their struggles. Others live with almost impossible situations. Consider your decision carefully, and do not hesitate to get profession help from someone who understands mental illness before making your decision. Helping Your Spouse There are some ways you can encourage your partner to cope with their illness better, especially if they are not complying with their treatment. Find out your mate's reason for not cooperating. Encourage them to join a support group such as Schizophrenics Anonymous, Emotions Anonymous, or Recovery. The mutual support from the members can help them understand and deal with their disease in a healthier way. It's Ultimately Up To You Consulting a therapist or clergy person knowledgeable about mental illness may help give you the support you need to make a decision. In the end, no one can make this decision for you. Only you know how much stress you are under and whether or not you feel you have the inner resources and outside support to make your partnership work. If you are at a crossroad in your relationship, I hope you will find some comfort knowing that you are not alone in your struggle.

Beacon of Hope